Facing the big “c”

I had so many heartbreaks and disappointments for the last 10,585 days, 1,392 weeks and 29 years of my life, but nothing prepped me enough for what was coming – me, been diagnosed with cancer. 

So what’s it like? What’s it like living with a ticking bomb inside your body? What’s it really like having cancer? 

Cancer is like having a death sentence. Everything stops, everything comes to this inevitable pause. There’s nothing you can do about it. It feels like you are in the middle of this unknown tunnel, there’s nothing left to do but to follow an existing path so that you can reach the end – cept there’s no light, just a straight path, it won’t let you see what’s waiting for you.

The irony of it all is that I hate being clueless. I want my future to be clear. I hate not knowing what lies ahead. I like the feeling of freedom and I hate being constrained. Having cancer makes you feel vulnerable and chained. 

People would always tell me that it’s okay, that I can do it, that it’s going to be over soon but no one really knows that. I myself do not know that. 

At the end of the day, fate has brought upon me the biggest battle that I have to win and I accepted it. I’ve been stripped down of my wings and the only thing I can do is grow it back to be able to fly again. 

When life doesn’t want to give you a choice you have to fight back. The last years of my life was rough and I wasn’t able to do anything to get what I deserve. Looking back at all the tears, pain, struggle made me realize that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be normal and I deserve to fix my life. 

No one can really explain, no one can really tell what it is like to have cancer. Everyone accepts their fate differently.