Facing the big “c”

I had so many heartbreaks and disappointments for the last 10,585 days, 1,392 weeks and 29 years of my life, but nothing prepped me enough for what was coming – me, been diagnosed with cancer. 

So what’s it like? What’s it like living with a ticking bomb inside your body? What’s it really like having cancer? 

Cancer is like having a death sentence. Everything stops, everything comes to this inevitable pause. There’s nothing you can do about it. It feels like you are in the middle of this unknown tunnel, there’s nothing left to do but to follow an existing path so that you can reach the end – cept there’s no light, just a straight path, it won’t let you see what’s waiting for you.

The irony of it all is that I hate being clueless. I want my future to be clear. I hate not knowing what lies ahead. I like the feeling of freedom and I hate being constrained. Having cancer makes you feel vulnerable and chained. 

People would always tell me that it’s okay, that I can do it, that it’s going to be over soon but no one really knows that. I myself do not know that. 

At the end of the day, fate has brought upon me the biggest battle that I have to win and I accepted it. I’ve been stripped down of my wings and the only thing I can do is grow it back to be able to fly again. 

When life doesn’t want to give you a choice you have to fight back. The last years of my life was rough and I wasn’t able to do anything to get what I deserve. Looking back at all the tears, pain, struggle made me realize that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be normal and I deserve to fix my life. 

No one can really explain, no one can really tell what it is like to have cancer. Everyone accepts their fate differently. 

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How I maintained my hair during chemo

When I lost all of my hair during my treatment, I really felt different. As we all know, chemotherapy is a toxic treatment to help kill cancer cells but it eventually kills your good cells too, including the healthy ones that makes your skin pretty and supple. I was diagnosed with breast cancer so they had to take away my left breast too. Honestly it made me felt like an alien. It was a really big blow to my confidence.

Cancer chemotherapy

I’ll give you a quick background of myself. I am really vain. I am really invested to beauty. When I feel pretty, I am excited to go out and my confidence levels cascades to every aspect of my life.

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But at the end of the day, it all boils down to acceptance. There is no time for looking back because forward is the only way to go. Every problem has a remedy and mine was wigs. I bought my first wig and I felt that I had an upgrade so now, I am obsessed.

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Emergency Advice 1: On Heart Breaks

Are you crying your eyes out because you turned on NBI agent on your boyfriend and found something in his phone? I know what you’re feeling.
You’d go to your friends and tell them what happened while on your bed feeling like its the end of the world. You are thinking how he felt while cheating on you. You are assessing the other girls face and credentials wanting to believe that you are better than her but still feeling otherwise. Close friends and family will tell you its okay, everyone has its day and karma will eventually come back to collect. You’d feel so mad and at the same time still look at your phone and check if he sends you out a text. You still feel deep in your heart that he still misses you and is feeling the same misery that you are feeling right now.

I’ve experienced a lot of heartbreaks before, every one of those harder than the last. At first it might seem hard, because we never fully understand our hearts. Why we feel a different kind of pain. It’s painful even though it is not. I remember when one of my exes broke up with me. He was my first love, hes the first guy that I allowed to call me stupid, the first guy that I saw my future with. He was intelligent, good looking and sweet. It didn’t worked out. He eventually found someone else while were together and the rest was history. I was young and I needed a rebound. I thought that would really make me happy, contented. On the first week we broke up I’ve been on dates. I dated different guys hoping to find “that connection”. I was impatient and I didn’t want to linger on the pain but you know what? You’d still go home every night with that hollow feeling. You can’t run away from the pain because no matter how hard you try, you are human and humans feel pain, they get hurt. I dated this one cool guy whom I like very much and he confessed that he really likes me too but at that time, I realized that I cannot really open up myself to anybody yet so I told him the truth. He told me back then that I should feel what I have to feel at the moment. It was one of the many things that stuck. Here I am, continuously running from the hurt but in doing so, I become farther away from moving on and it really sucks. The moral lesson here folks is that break ups take away a big chunk of your heart and the only one who can mend it is you. Do not be afraid of pain, welcome it, cry on it, be angry if you must. There is no time limit, you have all the time in the world to fix it and be ready again. Be ready to love, be ready to gamble, be ready to be all out and raise your bet.

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